Backyard bombs

The worst thing a woman could do is refer a child to the father at science fair time. Or at least when that father is me. I've got no problem lighting any fuse. However, after research my suggestion to put water and dry ice in a 2 litre Coke bottle, I thought maybe I just do some research. Thankfully that lucid thought brought me to the page warning that just such an act constitues a potential Class B felony. I'm sure Chip and Suzy parent would have loved for me to show bomb making tips during the Tuesday night science fair. But I was bound and determined not to move onto some experiment containing Pop Rocks and soda. So instead of putting the cap on the bottle, we put a balloon. The resulting explosion was not nearly as bad but we no longer have a chipmunk problem.

Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

The guy is this suit is thinking; "I'm a classically trained actor. I was in Hamlet for God sake. Now look at me... Making minimum wage wearing this plastic armour and taking pictures with a bunch of loosers. Even the gas stays trapped in here and I just ate a cheesesteak. Oh the misery"

You called about an overflowing toilet ma'am?

Howdy. I reckon you were the wun who dun called me on my tellyfone. These hear boots will be proteckting me from yer leaking poop and pee.

"Come in Lt Col Dork; you're breaking up"

"We have you on our radar but your message is garbled. It sounds as if your microphone was made by Fisher Price and it's covered with icing. Come to a headin of One-Zulu-Niner. Come in SIR!!!"

Miley Cirrus is stealing our children's brains

The daughter of that pinhead who sang "Achy Breaky Heart" is evil. She's even selling Stop signs and lead based paint adorned with her name. My youngest daughter forced me to completely redo our basement so that it looked like Ms. Montana's studio.

Mickey

Off an on we've had to deal with the occassional mouse stopping by our house. No big deal; at least nothing that a dab of peanut butter and a highly sensitive mouse trap couldn't solve. And then, they crossed the line. We woke to find a little friend knawing on the INSIDE of our fridge. This little bastard furthered his un-wecolmed arrival by soiling $40 worth of Italian meats and cheeses. Our response? Meet Mickey. Within a day our new feline friend had found the culprit, pawed him for hours, and left his dead carcass on the floor like a Christmas present. The only negative to him moving in is that Marley treats his litter box cigars as if they were Godiva chocolates. Barf.

Just like Mike!

Just like Michael Jordan, Joe here is looking to become a two sport stud. To one up MJ, he's going to play baseball in his oversized basketball uniform. Maybe later you'll even find him spinning records at the Go-Go.

Just like

Volunteers running thin; kids hired

Alrington County has been hurting for cash. This economy is killing everyone. In an effort to keep volunteer staffing levels high, the minimum age limit has been severely dropped.