Siding

Okay, the siding boys showed up today and got to work. They would have started yesterday except for the 50 mph winds. The winds are whipping at only 30 mph today so they felt safe enough to erect their 3 story scaffolding. I actually thought our home was being raided by the Sandinistas when they arrived since all of them had bandanas covering their faces. I'm already impressed with their work. Especially the way they carefully laid their ladders and material on $1,700 worth of plants next to our home.

Look how they lovingly tossed my trashbags into our bushes. Perhaps they felt threatened by the sinister leaves contained within? We may never know... Drink # 1442232232

Coup fails; leader jailed

¡Hola! My name is Inigo Montoya. My attempt to take over the rooms that I paid for and helped build... has failed. When I attempted to move my pinball machine into the play room; I was bound, gagged, and pistol whipped. I am now sitting in El Prisión. Don't cry for me.

Coup d'état

I have staged a coup.

Hammer Time!

Can't touch this!! The boy was feeling the need to remove the one nail holding this all together.

Mint julep?

I'm going to start talking like the young girl narrator in Remember the Titans. You know the one I'm talking about right? She has a thick southern accent like living in Alexandria is akin to life in Georgia. Wasn't that voiced over by the hot Judd? I think I have wood again.

Anywaaaay, this here is a pourch. Me and the Missus plan to spend aw evenins relaxin and watchin the squirrells fornicate. Maybe we'll feed each utha spoonfulls of grits and fried okra.

I've got wood

Sorry I haven't been on in a while. I've been picketing with my friends at the Writers Actor Guild. As you can see, things have been moving along. The wood is erect. I just can't stop giggling...

Walk of dimes

There was a guy last year who was able to buy a house (or maybe it was a devil dog?) by starting some form of internet campaign. So why can't I get in on the action?

I found this FDR staring up at me from my floor and I bet you you could too. Now go find ten of them and send them to me. Then send this link to all of your friends. Maybe I can raise enough money to stop eating government issued rice for every meal. At least these posts are more creative than that guy sitting outside the Circle K just asking for a buck. He's just going to buy some box wine or cheap smokes. I've got six tons of wood to buy. Help a brother out.

And yes, I know I didn't put up my address. Do you think I want every pedophile listed on America's Most Wanted to know where I live.?

"You're so vain"

"you probably think this vanity is for you, for you, for you..." Carly Simon sang it best when she crooned to her new sink. That's the same song I'll sing to the kids when I wash my grimy hands in their new sink. Wait. Did I just say their new sink. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now I have to think of a song that is a play on wainscoting...

Heeeeere's damage!

Sometimes we forget that failure to step on the floor joists may result in our toe spying on the room below. "This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy went through the ceiling and watched the t.v. downstairs!"

Jerry Potter; Harry's Brother

Okay the pounding stopped and the magic plywood opened to reveal... Jerry Potter. It wasn't the famous boy wizard who was making all of that noise; it was his Scotch guzzling brother from Des Moines. This gender confused he/she was living in our construction zone and the noises weren't hammers hitting nails but him dropping Chivas bottles.

21 Flush Salute!

They rang the bells today in Trafalgar Square as the Giacomo house is yet again back up to 4 toilets. No longer do I have to walk into MY bathroom only to be overpowered by smells once thought only possible from the older gentry. I used to poke my head outdoors to A) get some breathable air and B) make sure I didn't wander into an old folks home. The airplane engine powered ventilation fan that I had installed comes just in time for the boy to move from the world of Pampers to the "plopping" sounds of a well deserved BM. Viva progress.

Children rejoice. Parents cry.

Getting desperate... We've called in the children's choir to sing songs of hope that this project will be done quickly. However, the agency sent over these two losers and their worthless handler to help out. Thank goodness we weren't depending on them to help with more important things like helping the Redskins to a win or making sure the closest 7-Eleven doesn't run out of Natural Light.

Believe me; it would have been easier to tuna fish than to tune these two (three). Drink #453.

What goes on behind the magic plywood???

What is happening behind this piece of mystical wood? We're unable to tell because we're fearful of the bewitched rusty nails, enchanted exposed wires, and eerie dirty laundry hamper. Weird sounds emanate from behind this spooky gate. Almost as if Harry Potter and his queer British mates are pounding the walls with hammers. I hope this garlic necklace keeps me safe. I see plummers butt...

Our tiles are better than the shuttles

I know I just posted a pic of the tiles but now they are done. They're just awaiting the bath toys and tub crayons to be applied to them. Almost feels like a waste of 5 Billion dollars.

View of/from a room(s)

These guys have more energy than a one legged hooker at an ass kicking convention. Just look at the progress they're making! This first picture shows the two rooms before they are framed out. Can you say, "Girls, we're moving in and you're sleeping in a closet until we kick you out?"

This is the view out of Isabella's room (my office).

Feeling blue

While the bathroom isn't complete, you can still get an idea of what we're going for... We recently hired a private jet to take us to Las Vegas. While staying at the Venetian and sipping on Cristal, we had to appreciate the decor of the poop room. The calming effect of the colors made enemas a needless step in the evacuation process. More pics to come.

Breakfast burrito and fresh coffee

The front of my house is starting to look like a 7-Eleven in the morning. I took this picture a little early; since there are now 9 different trucks, vans, and dualies outside. I believe someone showed up on their kid's mongoose bicycle but I just can't count that as mechanized transportation.

Death from above

Just as an aside; not only is our house being invaded by hords of workers, we also have to deal with suicidal acorns. Everyone that tells me how great fall is full of crap. A) It marks the end of summer (although today it's 91 degrees). 2) School buses get added back into our traffic nightmare. And D) We've got numerous things falling from the sky. Compounding that, every squirrel and chipmunk is on the phone calling their friends and telling them to come on over for a feast. The tree that belches these out isn't even ours. I may have to pull a George Washington and cut that thing down. Then lie about it.

In God we Truss

These guys keep their food and drinks in our fridge sitting in the garage. When they aren't looking, I spike their food with narcotics such as speed and ephedrine. While illegal in most states, this is a pefectly acceptable practice in most third world countries. The end result is an amazing amount of work in a short period of time. Seriously, these guys have been knocking this stuff out. I mean, I've heard the whispers about racing heartbeats and sweating fits but I just talk about how it's a really hot Indian summer. Ha! Don't those trusses look sweet!

Funds running low

Much like the Iraq war, the cost overruns on our project have been soaring. At this point, it would have been cheaper to buy a bunker buster than build two additional rooms. We've had to halt production and rethink things. We now plan on leaving things were they stand. I went to REI and purchased a small tent which should be okay in the warmer months. With winter approaching, I've begun to look into buying a burn barrell. Maybe I'll even give the kids hobo names like Boxcar Bella, Manishewitz Mia, Jug Wine Joe?

Clifffford

If you haven't been to our house lately, life has turned into a kids cartoon. Much like the fake Clifford (voiced over by the deceased Jack Tripper), our dog has been growing from all of the love. Living in a room with the entire family (sans the boy who somehow, even though he's the youngest and his yet to prove his worth, has his own room) has caused Marley to grow to an enormous size. She is so big, we have to feed her in the tub.

Bidet lite

Our contractor is French... Canadian. Unlike their ancestors across the pond, pure traditions sometimes get lost in translation. We spent the better part of the day arguing that this was a true bidet. His offer to up the water pressure only made my concerns that much greater.

Have you seen my sweater vest?

Another downside to this whole project is finding out where in heck we stored the kids clothes. Even though we're using the fireplace as a hamper and VCR deck as sock storage, things are still crazy. Sometimes, it's really hard to accessorize.

Sputnik

To honor the Russian's achievement in space technology, NASA celebrated with the launch of their new satellite: Brick I. Much like it's namesake, Brick I sunk to Earth faster than me working my way through a six pack. Unfortunately, our house had a target on it. This picture shows NASA scientists picking through the debris in hopes of finding the tiny squirrel in charge of piloting the vehicle. Ground Control to Major Chipmunk; you've got the Giacomo house in your drop zone...

Contraception

If you have a wife with a biological clock fueled by nuclear energy, you may be at your wits end. Will she replace her pills with Tic Tacs? Will she secretly sabotage your protection with needles? I've found the answer! Bring your two daughter's mattresses along with the dog bed into your room. Amor will be out the window! Replaced by dog gas, stuffed animals, and any assemblance of privacy. Drink #48

Guts

We do have to admit to some child cruelty in our lives. No, we've never laid a hand on the girls. We've merely forced them to live in this cave. Poor things. They've been subjected to the wild swings in temperature that the swamps of D.C. bring. Notice the redneck air conditioning unit front and center? This thing rattled louder than my dad's bones. So this...

Became this.... Which became...

This. Either that or these home invaders are trying to bypass the ADT alarms on all of our windows and doors. Drink # 12

Need to go nuts?

So you're life is going along just fine. But you feel a need to create a little craziness in it... The solution? Blow up half of your house. Don't just piddle around with a little landscaping here or some paint there. Go big. Take 1/3 of your house, rip it up and toss it in the back of a truck. This here is the way our little house looked. Notice the little pinhead riding around on the three wheeler. This all started with his arrival. I think I will always hold this against him (we've already entered into intense therapy sessions but I just can't seem to drop it). So THIS becomes...



This. Drink #1.